cancer schmancer

i just found out this week that i have “the cancer”.  Plasma Cell Myeloma, to be exact.  apparently, it’s not usual for someone my age (it usually happens to people in their 70’s), but from what i have heard, it is fairly treatable with radiation therapy and other treatments.  i’m hoping to set this up as a parent page, under which i can post updates as i travel through this process.

screw that.  it’s too convoluted.  besides, this is my blog, my stuff, and i get to choose the content.  i do plan to continue with the random funny stuff i stumble upon, current events that capture my attention, and the whatnot and so forth, but i’ll be chronicling my journey here on the regular page.  at this point, it feels less like a journey and more like i’m entering an overgrown jungle full of creepy crawlies you’ve never even heard of, completely socked in with vines and plants that may be poisonous and make you feel like you can’t breathe, much less turn in any direction.  sort of like the Fire Swamp in “The Princess Bride”, only without the humor or “Sweet Wesley” to pull you out of the lightning sand (if you were “clever” enough to discover it).

right now, i know very little about what’s going on with me, except for that i have the PCM and a tumor in my pelvis.  i had labs drawn today, and those results along with a full body x-ray on friday should provide a lot more information, such as what stage the disease is, what specific type (there are many variants of PCM), and in turn what the prescribed treatment will be.

emotionally, i go from being all “man, i don’t even feel sick, so fuck this.  i’m young and strong and have a lot to fight and beat this with” to total despair at the thought that i will probably have to deal with this for the rest of my life and go through god knows what (stem cell transplants, chemo, ???) in the process.  i am acutely aware now of every little ache or pain i feel, and every twinge strikes fear panic in me.  i am so anxious for friday to get here, but terrified of it at the same time.  i worry about what to do with my dog if i have to move home for treatment.  should i go ahead and register for classes next semester or will i be too busy to mess with it?  and, of course, i cannot ignore the obvious glaring parallel this turn in my life has with the struggle my mother went through, only a few years older than me.  i don’t want to die yet.  and, although i know it is a reality i must face and maybe even embrace in order to beat this, i do not want to be sick all the time for the next god knows how long.  i feel fine, and it sucks that more than likely in order to heal me i have to feel worse in order to be healthy and feel fine again.

but, i will do my best to always look on the positive side.  i am, in so many ways, blessed.  i have wonderful friends who have already done so much to support and help me.  my family is rock solid, and i have not been alone since this all started, and have no worries that i will be at any point.  and of course, at this point there are so many question marks i know it is only counterproductive and harmful to my psyche to entertain all of my fears, but it’s so hard not to go there.  you know, “don’t think about pink elephants…”.  uh, okay.  i won’t think about pink ele - dammit.  see what i mean?

i have found a few online support/survivor groups, but to be honest, until i know exactly what i’m dealing with they are more scary than they are helpful at this point.  i will continue to update my status and developments on facebook, but will spare everyone there the details.  i guess that’s what this is for.  that, and my sanity.  and, ultimately, my health.